TWO FISH SWIMMING IN TWO DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS :: jeniviva

Welcome to my first reflective rant, I mean blog post!!!
: )
According to certain Buddhist beliefs, "through suffering comes transformation".
Never before in my life has this statement held more truth for me than now.
It has been a long year (I measure a true new year from birthday to birthday) and a very curious road I've travelled down, but the time has finally come when I can finally rest, breathe, and clearly reflect upon it.
As a dancer, a girl, and a myriad of other strange incarnations, I had come to a crossroads.
So much to be, so much to do, so many ideas brewing inside the walls of who I am supposed to be as wished upon by others, and finally who I am now. These have been the contents of my head for some time now and needless to say it has been awful struggling!
I have struggled with what I should be, how I should represent myself "out there in the real world" as dancer and as a thinking woman. I have been frustrated with who I am for too long.
But in the solemnity and the misery of solitude I have come to some conclusions.
These are a few:
Never cave in to the desires, the constrictions, conventions, and negative criticisms of others....even if they guilt you into it!
Never compromise who you are as an Artist...as dark, as macabre, as luminous, as blinding, as awkward as you may be at times.
Allow yourself to grow in every direction, become a glowing orb of energy beaming outward from every cell in your being. Allow this to direct you in your dance...and make no apologies once you've gone there...EVER!

The most relevant finding I have come across in this long year is that yes, there CAN be balance between my artist side and my academic side.
I have managed to put my fears aside (and the fears projected upon me by others!) and put my insecurities on permanent vacation and tried to be both things simultaneously.
Essentially the two sides of me are the same...
Scholar and Artist are fueled by the same fire:
PASSION.
I spent a long while pushing one side down and nourishing the other; the results sparked an awful uncomfortable mess in my Soul.
Those who are close to me, saw into me; I was wrestling, fighting, even self-sabotaging myself. Ultimately I became depressed.
It was not until I was all alone in a dark place that the truth came...
I can be both...unapologetically and at the same time!
I wondering what took me so long to reconcile the two, but I know now that the rough road was worth it.
So here I am, some time later, doing the things I love...passionately.
As a dancer I began learning new styles of dance and embracing long forgotten ones.
As a writer I began collecting the stories of my Great Uncle Salvatore...stories of the old country and how to make it in the new one in the early 1900's (good stuff, food for the Soul). I am taking writing classes to strengthen my skills as a would be biographer and lastly later in the year I will be applying for Graduate School to claim my PhD in English (roarrrr!).
No longer will I be afraid to do the things I love or sacrifice one part of me for another.
I am whole, the two fish swimming together upstream, at long last.
What is next you may ask?
Well I reckon talking is nothing without doing... so...
I will teach!
I will dance!
I will teach dance!
and if they're lucky I'll even dance for teachers!
Im silly. It is late.
I promise no more long reflections or missives to God. I just thought a first post up here should be something of interest to both reader and writer. Its me. Its real.
I hope you've enjoyed the view from that small crack in the window.
Welcome to the world of lil ole me.
: )
Evermore,
JeniViva

Comments

[Blanca]

Beautiful post Jeni... never let anyone hide your light!

[Desari]

A great read. It's definitely similar to what I've been struggling with. And... Silly rules!

[Neon]

Jeni, the struggle doesn't come from our being lost in our creative paths, but rather from the fact that the world stereotypes our talents. If we are pursuing any worldly success in our chosen creative field, we have to respond, adjust and, typically, conform. It is esp. visible in the world of arts (visual & performing arts, literature), where the artist's public persona directly contributes to the selling of his/her work. The arts-patronizing pubic wants to see a particular type of individual as the source of particular creative content. Bellydancer is one of the extreme cases - both in relation to the"civilian" "general public," and to the arts-educated dance-learning audience. Some of our personal qualities and facets of our talents are encouraged and some are met with defensiveness or indifference. Conformity is encouraged always (even if you are known as a radical avant-guard artistic rebel) bec. humans like to recognize and anticipate things and process the familiar, rather than build concepts from scratch and face the unknown. It's like a child who doesn't want to hear a new fairy tale, but insists on hearing the one she's already heard, again and again. No matter how strong you are, you are constantly being steered in directions that are not your choice by the never-ending "natural selection" as your audience consumes and assesses your work and its source - you.

[Julie Anne]

Beautifully written Jeni! I think this is a struggle all women (and probably men, too) go through. Whether it's artist vs. professional or mommy vs. career woman or whatever...we all have multiple sides to our selves and at some point we are all forced to either choose one over the other, or find a way to combine them.

I also believe women are often in the midst of this conflict when they find belly dance for the first time. They love coming to class because it's the one place they aren't asked to be serious or professional or responsible for anyone but themselves. They feel safe and comfortable letting that artistic or spiritual side out for a little fresh air...even if it's only for an hour a week.

You sound happy and content--congratulations on getting through that tough time!