MAKE-BELIEVE BRIDE :: tanna
With absolute honesty I can state that the goal of getting married has NEVER appeared on one of my infamous "to-do" lists. My opinion on the state of matrimony is exactly that of the late diva Mae West - it's a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
Most members of my big Roman Catholic family are happily married and it is a fine lifestyle choice if you desire it. What I have a strong objection to is the ghastly commercial profiteering of the self-serving and blood-sucking wedding industry. One of the goals that IS on my "to-do" list is a book project currently titled "The Anti-Wedding Book". (Some friends have suggested the title is too negative, so it is under review).
Yet, by a strange quirk of fate, one of my very best friends is the superlative wedding photographer Lina Jang . And when she suggested a weekend "girls only" trip to a posh Miami resort hotel (I'd never been to Florida), and the chance to don "full bridal jacket" for a photo shoot, I was totally on board. We (Lina, myself, and gorgeous horror movie actress Tina Krause ) arrived in a 2 a.m. South Beach downpour, but the weather soon cleared for the rest of the weekend. The trip was quite hectic as we managed to take advantage of the great amenities at the resort, party and dance on Ocean Avenue (mojitos!!), eat excellent Cuban food, and do a whole lot of styling and shooting (bridal and lingerie).
What a blast! I got to play with hair and makeup, put on the lace veil and the white gown, and take some gorgeous pictures! Really, I think we could be on to something here. If we could devise a commercial venture in which women got to experience the FUN of bride-dom (girls night out, pampering, beautifying, dressing up and taking pictures) WITHOUT the stress and expense of actually planning and paying for a wedding, happiness would go up, and divorce rates would go down!
hi tanna!!
I ll be buying the book, regardless of "negativity" concerns in the title.
Even as a kid, I somehow used to be suspicious about the raving positivity associated with the "obligation" of getting married, society- and personal happiness-wise (especially girls are brought up with as the ultimate aim in their lives).
It somehow did not go well with the grief I saw experienced especially by women.
Later sociological and political interest proved my initial suspicious feeling of this institution right in that it's primary meaning has always been locking women in and depriving them of a position in the centre of society (the domestic vs. the public).
Sure society has changed - and nowadays marriage might not be a prison for women with loooong cords for the husbands wanting to go astray for variety and curiosity (at least not in every culture). Still the past burdens on this institution somehow frighten me - and put me off. And render allegations of inherent romance pretty shallow to me.
Well, my partner is a pro-marriage type as most people of Oriental origin. And I tend to trust his ideals of fairness and partnership in marriage, else I would not be with him in the 1st place.
But I will keep the "anti-marriage" and "anti-weeding" mindset I fear. What are your personal objections against it? The exclusivity for life à la Mae West, or the industry and costs?
Take care Tanna
thanks for the interesting preview on an important book in the making :)
Dina
Posted by: dina | January 11, 2009 at 05:05 AM
Tanna, you make a lovely un-bride. A commercial venture like you suggest is definitely what's needed nowadays. :)
Posted by: Desari/Tami | January 11, 2009 at 07:27 AM
after working in the bridal industry for more than five years, i have to agree with you...it's crazy. you do make a beautiful anti-bride!
Posted by: cindy | January 11, 2009 at 12:29 PM
Cindy, why not share some insights into this industry?
I d be dying of curiosity! Pleeeaase :) thank you!
Posted by: dina | January 12, 2009 at 10:47 AM
Hi Dina (and other ladies!),
In terms of marriage as an institution, I just want to clarify that I am not opposed to marriage in general. (I'm afraid I might have left too strong of an impression!) My own parents will shortly celebrate their 44th anniversary, and to the best of my knowledge they are reasonably happy, as are the participants (friends & family) in most of the marriage partnerships that I am familiar with. However, as I look at my family and friends, I see some commonalities that perhaps help make a good marriage. These individuals are not just intelligent and very fair-minded, they are also kind and good-natured. In most cases, they married a bit later in life (say 25 & up) with their education/training completed and careers begun. And in all cases the partnership is very balanced, with care and respect for each other being paramount and neither person being dominant. In these circumstances, marriage can be a wonderful & supportive lifestyle choice.
But in cases where there is pressure to marry, just for the sake of being married (whether to please family or society), well, that is just wrong, in my view. In this day and age I can't imagine why ANY woman would feel societal pressure. Once you get used to the fun and freedom of being a bachelor(ette), well, it's easy to understand why men have wallowed in that status for so many generations. But I am fortunate in that my own mother's credo was that there were far worse things than never being married, and a bad marriage was definitely one of them. So, I never get family pressure, and societal pressure does not concern me at all.
In terms of weddings, again, a lovely celebration is defined by the individuals involved, and is a question of personal taste. But here in NYC one can really witness the extremely aggressive side of the wedding industry. I think that so many weddings here are grossly over-priced, and I can't understand why people don't step back from the conventions and the stereotypes and the hype and really THINK about what is most important to them, and how they can best spend their wedding money to create a truly special & personal event.
My book (if it ever gets written, which is doubtful given how many projects are on my "to-do" list) won't be particularly important I'm afraid. It is more of a humor-based project, recounting anecdotes and advice from wedding guests on what WE think is important at a wedding so that brides can read it, and perhaps take a fresh perspective before surrendering to the hype.
Anyway, all of this is just my opinion, and my parents are extremely eccentric, so my whole world-view might be quite skewed!
Posted by: tanna | January 12, 2009 at 05:07 PM
Ohh eccentric parents are the best :)
I envy friends who have such parents and occasionally complain how their world view is not "normal", how they grew up with a view on life they thought of as being perfectly normal when in reality they ve been brought up too different from what the average of society is..
Of course these complaints are - IMO - not 100% serious, and deep down I think everybody who s been brought up not having to be satisfied with average, and encouraged to question and reason norms and conventions is really happy with this upbringing, right?
Well the people brought up with the "thou shall not question" dogma, if they do question, would happily trade in this upbringing against the "eccentric" freer one I guess (speaking for myself) ;)
Well as for why women should feel pressure in today s society - the no 1 reason I can think of is culture and religion, maybe more predominantly immigrant cultures of various faiths, but I believe also in the US there are "home grown" subcultures of certain faiths and sects not only advocating marriage as the only way to happiness, but much rather as the only way of not "living in sin" and risking severe punishment in the hereafter :)
Aside religion of course there s the seemingly "modern" secular lifestyle which is not always exempt of putting pressure (on women much more than men) marriage-wise: like women having to find "the one" (and having to strive towards that with all their thoughts and efforts), their one and only soul mate, women having to dream of their wedding day and the white dress half of their lives (else there is something wrong with them and their mindset)... these expectations are of course hard to meet in reality and put unnecessary pressure on women, who in turn tend to put unnecessary expectations of perfect happiness and romance on their relationships..
well issues to debate about for centuries I guess :)
Posted by: dina | January 18, 2009 at 05:49 AM